Converse to Connect
Better Communications for Stronger Connections
Most couples who seek counseling express a need to improve their communication. But what does that really mean? Typically, at least one partner doesn’t feel heard, understood, or appreciated by the other. Improving communication isn’t just about talking more—it’s about connecting more effectively. Here’s how to begin laying that foundation.
1. Hearing: The Power of Presence
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, pioneers in relationship research, refer to the practice of “turning toward” your partner. This means giving them your full attention when they speak—facing them, making eye contact, and minimizing distractions. If you can’t fully tune in at that moment, respectfully explain why and agree on a better time to talk.
Being truly present is the first step toward making your partner feel valued.
2. Understanding: More Than Just Words
Communication isn’t only verbal. Our tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and pace of speech all carry meaning. However, each person interprets messages through their own filter—shaped by past experiences, emotional state, and assumptions.
Misinterpretation is inevitable at times, but misunderstandings don’t have to become conflicts. Here are some steps to improve mutual understanding:
Listen to understand, not to respond. Suspend judgment until your partner finishes expressing themselves.
Factor in your relationship and context. Who is speaking? What’s the situation?
Check your emotions. Are you reacting to what was actually said—or to how you interpreted it?
Ask clarifying questions. What did they mean by that word or gesture?
Reflect what you heard. Restate their message in your own words.
Check for accuracy. Ask, “Did I get that right?”
Invite correction. If not, ask them to clarify further.
Only then, respond. Share your perspective once your partner feels heard and understood.
3. Appreciation: See the Bigger Picture
You’re in this relationship because there’s more to the other person than their opinion on one topic. Respect goes both ways. Just as you want to be accepted and understood, so does your partner. Even when you disagree, remind yourself: This person matters to me beyond this moment.
A Final Note: Progress, Not Perfection
Real-life conversations happen in the middle of busy days, stress, and distraction. These principles are ideals—but being mindful of them can help us pause, reset, and improve communication over time. When you notice misunderstandings happening, gently shift the conversation using these tools—or agree to return to the topic when you’re both better equipped to connect with empathy. Communication is a skill. And like any skill, it gets better with practice.
Coming up:
Controlling habits and addictions often impede healthy communications and result in increased conflict. Behavioral or process addictions are the subject of our next blog.